Last Year

Last year I had just kissed Ethan goodnight, after a night of hanging with him. We played Star Wars Lego’s on the WII and hung out and laughed and talked. If only I know that it would be the last time we would be able to hang out like that. That it would be the last time I would hear his voice, perhaps forever. I don't want to be pessimistic; I want to be able to believe that he will be back 100%. But I would be lying if I didn't say my faith hasn't been shaken.

I am so sick of people feeling pity for me or feeling awkward around me when I want to talk about this. I am so sick of feeling like I can't feel anger about this situation. I am so sick of how this has affected so much of my life.

I'm upset that the Salvation Army and John Kelley in particular will NOT step up and admit what they did. I really won't ever understand how these people go about their lives knowing that laziness and carelessness caused Ethan to have endured all he’s been through the past year.

I’m so sick of trying to figure out how I can help my daughter pay her bills, let alone get Ethan into Hyperbaric, while people keep asking “Won’t the Salvation Army pay?”

I will be the first to admit that I have to let go and trust God, but honestly I can’t. I’ve lost faith. I don’t understand how God will answer my prayers from a year ago and spare my daughter’s life, but not bring Ethan up out of that bed.

I know how much he has improved and I know he continues to fight and improve each day, but still it doesn’t make any difference, I can’t help what’s in my heart and God already knows.

I’m damn sick and tired of people, the worst offenders in my opinion being certain family members, they know who they are. The ones, who have said over and over, I’ll be there, tell me what you need, and when it comes right down to it haven’t even made an effort to go see Ethan. I’m done with you, don’t ask how Ethan is, and don’t ask what you can do. Because if you really wanted to know, you would have made time to go see him, you would have already done what you know you should do. Help Rose, and not just financially either. Call her, let her know you care, stop by and sit with Ethan, so she can go out and have a ‘normal’ day. Or just go about your life and don’t worry about us, but don’t pretend. You’re actions speak volumes of what’s in your heart.

I done, I’m over it. I don’t need your damn pity anymore. I don’t need you ‘helping’ us. Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but right or wrong, this is how I feel.

I do feel extremely proud of my daughter Rose. She has shown such remarkable strength and love fighting for care for Ethan and being by his side 100% of the time. She has had to endure so much and yet she does it, when it was only a year before that she was so sick. His own father couldn’t be there for him before the incident, much less after.

What an amazing person she is. And Ethan, oh my goodness, he is just so absolutely strong and amazing. His smile still both warms and breaks my heart. I love that little boy like nothing on this earth. I see a strong spirit that WILL not be squashed, that will not be kept down; if ever there was a fighter, it is Ethan. He is so absolutely, positively the most wonderful little boy ever. I know he won’t give up and that helps me to not want to give up.

Tonight I was asked what I wanted as resolution to all this, and to be quite honest, aside from being able to go back and change the outcome. I’m not 100% sure. I know I would want to be able to prevent this type of tragedy from happening to anyone else. To maybe even make the carelessness of how they cared for those children that day, a criminal act. To maybe just as I’ve said before, for people to admit how stupid it all was. That all it took was someone paying attention.

I do know that I will one day get past this anger I've carried around for a year, but that day is not today. That day is not on the near horizon.