Getting used to sharing

For the past 10 months, I feel like I've been dealing with this situation alone. Yeah sometimes I let go and let it out. Usually with my closest friends. But the hardest thing is talking to other family members. It seems like we are all trying to be strong for each other, and I don't think that is the best thing we could be doing. I think there might be some healing if we could somehow grieve together.

If I feel this way, I can only imagine how my daughter must be feeling. As strange as it is, I find it hard to open up and share with her, and I feel she is trying to handle everything on her own.

I know you're probably thinking I shouldn't be grieving at all, after all Ethan is alive, so shouldn't I be grateful for that? But I think grief is the right word, and the right emotion. Ethan is a alive and I am very grateful for that. I also believe he will be restored, but that doesn't diminish the grief.


It still hurts so much not to have Ethan the way he was. I miss who Ethan was, I miss the way we would hang out together and the little things that were just ours (secrets, giggles and all fun stuff you don't tell your parents)

So while yesterday was Easter, and I am once again reminded that Jesus died for our sins and for our healing. It was still a difficult holiday to get through. I mean I am after all human, and all I could think of was how I spent it the year before with Ethan.

So many of my thoughts these days are divided into two categories, before and after the incident. I call it an incident because I struggle with what to call it. I don't want to say accident, and yet part of me thinks that it was an accident. I don't think anybody got up that day and said "Today I will be careless and cause harm to a little boy" but at the same time what happened was so totally preventable, it doesn't seem right to call it an accident.

Whatever you want to call it, the fact remains. My life has changed in ways no one who hasn't gone through this type of thing can understand. Ethan's life of course has changed the most and the frustrating thing is I don't know who to go to for help or where to turn.

There are so many things my daughter is having to deal with and so many financial burdens, I'm trying to help as much as I can, but I am growing increasing frustrated at my inability to drive change and find resources and solutions.

Oh Lord I need your strength, guidance and wisdom now more than ever.